Conway Twitty sees the light

I like to use the classic "three strikes you're out" policy when it comes to mass email forwarding...

-The first time, assuming the "10 ways to recycle old pantyhose" was merely a knee jerk reaction to watching Inconvenient Truth amidst a dry spell in their Netficks queue, they get the benefit of the doubt. 

-The second one you cock your head to the side, erase without opening, and go back to eating your cereal hoping that they just forgot they had already used their "freebie". 

-The third is like the sick feeling you get when your friend starts a sentence with "believe me I totally get how annoying those multilevel marketing people are, but there's this opportunity..."

And that's the deal breaker my friends.

Unless, of course, you are my mother-in-law. 

...In which case no matter how many home remedies, kittens doing the "darndest things", and musical friendship video clips she sends your way...she is exempt from getting 86ed off the ole contact list. Plus she's sweet. and also she birthed and raised the love of your life...so she could probably shave the magical healing locks of Sonny's hair and i'd have to love her anyway.

Yesterday i received a gem that cannot go unshared (to ensure you are picking up what I'm puttin' down). In sweet pure hearted Jeanine fashion, the disclaimer at the top read "This is truly beautiful! Turn the volume up..."

And before you go thinking what an unbelievable douche i am for mocking a Jesus montage, please know: i did what i was told and turned the volume up...and therefore couldn't help but notice the awesome cowboy giving his two cents in the background. Ready set go...

....

Do i have the blackest heart of all time?...or are you laughing too? I love Jesus. I do! But here at team Boo nothing is safe from a good laugh, not even my own children. Oh who am i kidding...especially not my own children! And much to Sheamus's sweet five year old dismay, some things he's said recently are just too cute NOT to laugh...

 "Mom...How will i ever get big if i don't like gross food?"

 "Elyott, if i were a binky...would you suck on me?"

 "Elyott are you sure you want to go to the gym?...cause you might have to poop at the gym."

Recap: Jesus. Sheamus. Two of the purest people i can think of. Still funny when you add twangy one liners, or (legit) warnings about pooping in public.

team Boo ♥'s you

**Attention team boo enthusiasts**
re-blog this post and tell me about it right here! Through a series of featured posts (this being the third) over the next couple weeks you will have a chance to win a very exclusive (but still very secret) custom team boo gift! No it wasn't be made by me...pshew!! but it is adorable!

vacation lobotomy.

In theory, I am organized.

On paper, I am responsible.

In my head, I am efficient.

In my dreams, I am a rock star in sequin leggings.

But here i am, so discombobulated it's ridiculous.

In Mexico...we ate nachos until we started to sweat liquid cheese. We bronzed our bodies (only I freckled mine even despite my OCD like sunscreen reapplication) i watched a pack of dogs invade the beach mere minutes after i left it = severe panic attack avoided (friggin' mexico) We floated down lazy rivers and slid down water slides, and only once did a kid tell me (as my inner tube began to capsize under my nacho engorged body) "lady, you're so big for this." We had fun making family MEMORIES for heavens sakes!! 

And now i am in my usual home-from-vacation coma. Is vacation worth the inevitable tilting off my axis? (...that's what she said?) My baby can't poop and woke me up at 4 this morning to scream in my face about it (vacation poo syndrome knows no boundaries), my fridge is empty, my house is crazy, i have a halloween party and baby shower to plan in like five seconds and i am desperately craving a run. Heeeeelppppmeeeeee.

(woe is the poor housewife back from her week long trip...Yes, you can punch me in the face now) So, are vacations refreshing, or just a new layer to my crazy? I can't decide. 

I think I'll play hookie today.

team Boo ♥'s you

so when you feel like hope is gone, look inside you and be strong.

wanna hear something 75% hillarious, but 100% pathetic?

...today after i posted about my glorious teamBoo pillow giveaway. you know the one. the one that isn't perfect but is free and awesome? the one where all you have to do is comment that you are already a teamBoo follower (cause i have eyeballs and i know you're there) and you are in the running? 

i'll tell you what happened....i LOST two followers.

I realize the heart is a little big and the talking part looks a wee bit like a clam foot, but seriously are you guys allergic to free stuff? Are you afraid that since i always tell you how scummy i am, there will be boogers on it or something?? Do you not like LOVE?!? this is about encouraging me to keep sewing guys. sheesh ;)

Then Sheamus pooped in the bath. you know, the kind that breaks into a bajillion pieces but that are still too big to go down the drain. Adam played the "sensitive gag reflex" card (said in a dopey voice that he'd claim he sounds nothing like), and i cleaned it up solo.

BUT its cool cause then Elyott (who BTW came home from school today in a thrifted full unicorn costume that my sister surprised her with during carpool...amazing) reminded me that, amongst all her very precocious verbal skills, she still refers to the Falcon (her school mascot) as a "Phallic-on"

...that always makes me giggle. i'm basically a ten year old boy inside.

team boo ♥'s you

i got soul but i'm not a soldier.

how i cherish the one on one time i get while nursing this kid. We gaze into eachothers' eyes, i give his curly hair a twirl in my finger, he flips my bottom lip repeatedly with his tiny fingers. I call him my baby bird, his sweet little lips curl into a coy smile...and then...
he craps. 

...the loudest, wettest GOAT smelling diaper I can imagine. I start to panic that it is leaking all over my lap (like the time in Outback with Elyott), I quickly unsnap his onesie and call for reinforcements: a paper towel, burp rag ANYTHING to put under him. One of my kids come running to help (bless their little potty trained hearts) I place the barrier between his bum and my only pair of pants that fit me right now ("what will i wear tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day??") then both Sonny and I breathe a sigh of relief. He eats a little more and finishes off with a jaw clamp and back arch with my poor nip in tow. 

Ah precious moments.

team boo ♥'s you


(*side note: next morning he totally duked me all over my running shorts two milliseconds before i left to the gym. That'll teach me to blob about narrow poop escapes.)

wishful thinking.

Today my sweet boy started pre-school.

...cross your fingers with me that he doesn't crap his pants.

:)

{three is the best age to play tootsies cause of all the characters they love to be.  

Sheamus, like so many other little boys his age, loves to be a superhero.  

It makes "this little piggy" way more interesting for the parent to play after the gajillionth time}

proof you can't reason with a 3 year old...

last week sheamus covered himself from head to toe in green marker...

"i am Hulk sthmash!" he said proudly.

"oh yeah, looks like you'll be hulk for a while" i smirked.

then sheamus carries on throwing every item of laundry off my bed and pillow in the house onto the floor. But it is only later...after his third man dump (in one morning) that this mom reaches her max in patience.

me:  "Sheamus do you think Hulk poops in a diaper!?"

S:      "no"

me:   "so does he poop in the toilet like a big boy?" (armed with his fantasy, i am poised to manipulate and drive it home...)

S:      "no" he quickly answers again.

me:   (wait, what?) "sooooo, where does he go?"

S:      "Hulk just poops in the STREET." he says without a moments hesitation.

touché my dear. Hulk is SO unpredictable ;)

3 year old......1

(4 if you count the dirty diapers)

mom............0

bringing it.

"i don't want to arrive at the pearly gates wearing beautifully tailored clothes, my hair expertly coifed, or with perfectly manicured fingernails...

...I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt, with childrens sticky kisses on my cheeks, and tears on my shoulder...

...I want the Lord to know I was really here and that i really lived."

excerpts from: "I Really Lived"

by Marjorie Hinckley 

...and freckles on my shoulders from playing out in the sunshine

...and aches in my joints from piggy back rides to bed

...and lines around my eyes from laughing through life

*but hopefully not poop under my fingernails...cause i don't think God would appreciate that ;) 

Happy Mothers day to all that have, all that are, and all that ever will be mothers! ♥

"you never SEEM to amaze me" (bert)

today sheamus pooped on the driveway. 

and based on the unwritten rule that each blog address is allowed only one poop picture EVER, i'll spare you the visual (you can imagine though...it looked like...poop. on a driveway.)


just wanted to document how awesome it is to have little kids :)"

for British eyes only...

choice: 

1. an act or instance of choosing; selection 2. the right, power, or opportunity to choose; option: {Her choice to shower was made in deep regret that her husband had such a scuzzbag of a wife. The child's parents were not happy when he chose to poop on the basement floor.}

And so began my day of big decisions.  I chose to be clean by way of a shower, only to be covered in the feeling of that the poo smell has absorbed into my hand skin {even after the smell was vigorously scrubbed and gone}.  I chose to begin potty training my kid despite my major defeat with child #1.  This morning I chose a healthy breakfast instead of the traditional {and amazingly satisfying} Marshmellow Maties.  I chose to drive my daughter to school shoe and bra-less {even after forgetting that my car was parked down the my street due to overnight road repairs} because otherwise she would have been late, and I'm a good mom like that ;)  I chose to skip the gym today, because on day 1 {yesterday} of my body cleanse i got so low on blood sugar after my workout that, were it not for the emergency {and very un-cleanse worthy} hot pastrami and swiss from Schlotskys, i'd have passed out and veered into oncoming traffic. Also today I am choosing to vote, here's why....

a. i have never voted before 

b. i am blessed with a god that gives me the right to choose and a country who lets me do so.  

c. i needed an official reason to wash my hair.

**Show confidence in what you decide {for example...I am proud that i smell like soap instead of pastrami.  Try it}  And for heavens sakes, go vote!

crapper's delight

What is it with kids and expressing their sentiments while on the pot?  Or, if you can't relate, what is with my kid expressing her sentiments while on the pot?? Aside from finding out women occasionally poop during labor (wait, what!), it is the one of the weirdest most unexpected things of becoming a mother.  Once a day, elyott reaches her moment of clarity and/or is "lovestruck" where momentarily all is right with the world. Bear with me here folks...

-Elyott: (yelling from bathroom across the house) "Hey mom, can people make poop even when they don't have to?"
-Mom: "Not usually"
-Elyott: "huh, well i can! ...(pause)....i guess that just makes me a magical kid!!" (so true my dear:)

-Once on an outing, elyott had an emergency call of nature, and wanted me in the tiny stall with her of course.  Feeling sick and grouchy, she asked me ot do something funny to cheer her up. Ummmmm....naturally I chose a broadway kick while singing in my jazziest Liza Minnelli-ish voice "I'VE GOT BULLET PROOF LEGS, I'VE GOT BULLET PROOF LEGS" which she thought was mildly funny but mostly weird (as usual). Then a moment of silence...."i love you mom" then insisted i give her a kiss (still on the toilet, mind you) and with one final push grunted "this day is just SO magical!"

I like to think that instead of pure confusion mixed with disgust, the lady in the stall next to us was rather just smiling at the extra close bond between a mother and daughter...(sigh)

*(also, never talk to me while i'm in the bathroom)

.....and sorry so many of my posts mention poop. It's fine, don't worry about it.