Conway Twitty sees the light

I like to use the classic "three strikes you're out" policy when it comes to mass email forwarding...

-The first time, assuming the "10 ways to recycle old pantyhose" was merely a knee jerk reaction to watching Inconvenient Truth amidst a dry spell in their Netficks queue, they get the benefit of the doubt. 

-The second one you cock your head to the side, erase without opening, and go back to eating your cereal hoping that they just forgot they had already used their "freebie". 

-The third is like the sick feeling you get when your friend starts a sentence with "believe me I totally get how annoying those multilevel marketing people are, but there's this opportunity..."

And that's the deal breaker my friends.

Unless, of course, you are my mother-in-law. 

...In which case no matter how many home remedies, kittens doing the "darndest things", and musical friendship video clips she sends your way...she is exempt from getting 86ed off the ole contact list. Plus she's sweet. and also she birthed and raised the love of your life...so she could probably shave the magical healing locks of Sonny's hair and i'd have to love her anyway.

Yesterday i received a gem that cannot go unshared (to ensure you are picking up what I'm puttin' down). In sweet pure hearted Jeanine fashion, the disclaimer at the top read "This is truly beautiful! Turn the volume up..."

And before you go thinking what an unbelievable douche i am for mocking a Jesus montage, please know: i did what i was told and turned the volume up...and therefore couldn't help but notice the awesome cowboy giving his two cents in the background. Ready set go...

....

Do i have the blackest heart of all time?...or are you laughing too? I love Jesus. I do! But here at team Boo nothing is safe from a good laugh, not even my own children. Oh who am i kidding...especially not my own children! And much to Sheamus's sweet five year old dismay, some things he's said recently are just too cute NOT to laugh...

 "Mom...How will i ever get big if i don't like gross food?"

 "Elyott, if i were a binky...would you suck on me?"

 "Elyott are you sure you want to go to the gym?...cause you might have to poop at the gym."

Recap: Jesus. Sheamus. Two of the purest people i can think of. Still funny when you add twangy one liners, or (legit) warnings about pooping in public.

team Boo ♥'s you

**Attention team boo enthusiasts**
re-blog this post and tell me about it right here! Through a series of featured posts (this being the third) over the next couple weeks you will have a chance to win a very exclusive (but still very secret) custom team boo gift! No it wasn't be made by me...pshew!! but it is adorable!

my stretch marks say i have no business wearing a two piece.

(urban outfitters)

and the winner is....

(anthropologie)

I know you are all gonna check the reference and roll your eyes at another blogger who acts like dropping 170 bucks on a swimsuit is no big thang...but if i add in my birthday gift card (thanks dad) and divide the rest out over all the years that i could have been buying a new suit but was still wearing my "tankini"  from 1998 (back when tankinis were cool)...it comes out to about 9 dollars. And it was worth every penny! (if you still wear a tankini, i'll still think your cool. especially if you're wearing it right now)

team Boo ♥'s you


p.s. we still sleep on a mattress on the floor, but at least i won't have disintegrated elastic (aka. see through) beach wear.


p.p.s. yes that is me in the picture. did i mention the suit has magical powers?


p.p.p.s. today i had to answer my door with sonny's throw up on my shirt, so i earned it anyway.

she's not...too sexy for your shirt

It never used to occur to me that thrift stores were for anything else but finding sweet second hand furniture, books, knick knacks or fabric. But in the last few years i have come to learn that if you have daughters that need new clothes (and your husband is a full time student)...hit up your local Savers (i specify savers cause they are much more organized than other thrift stores and also Good Will is the thrift Devil is overpriced and cluttered. Last week Elyott and I scoured through its filmy racks like it was no body's business. I think since little girls usually have so many clothes and they grow faster than they can make them disgusting, we always hit the jackpot. However don't waste your time looking for your 3-8 year old son...unless you like faded pokemon halftops.

Since Elyott is a blogger now (private), and a girl, the only logical thing she could think to do next was a fashion show, duh. Here's a little nugget of her adorableness:

"Welcome to Elyott's thrift store girls fashion show! 

Today i went to Savers with my Mom and i felt very grown up because there were some baskets that had wheels on the bottom and they had a handle like a small cart. So...I got to pick my own clothes and i tried on pretty much a million things!" 

Take your daughters! Make it a date (with some hand sanitizer of course and the promise of ice cream, since it's kind of a weird/disgusting date). It is always a confidence booster for girls to get new clothes. And don't be scared because, while they are in the dressing room trying stuff on, you can slowly swap out the various (nasty) pink leopard jumpers or puffy sleeved silk and toile bridesmaid dresses (of which she has inevitably filled her cart) with the items that won't make her throw up when she looks back at her childhood photos :)

team Boo ♥'s you


p.s. if you've ever had a "team Boo dream" (as a few of you have expressed) don't feel dumb....last night i had a dream that i was Justin Bieber's bodyguard slash (non-romantic) date for his high school prom. shame.

The final "Don't be a drag just be a queen"

Last week I watched my niece and nephew (5 mo. and 2 yrs) along with my three kids. It was just after i got the two year old off the counter, right about the time the 5 month old was screaming his face off (as Elyott made him a bottle and i changed his bum) i turned to find the 2 year old flipping dirt out from my (only surviving) potted cactus...with diarrhea spilling out her diaper...holding a knife! I couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous the threshold of looking after little ones can be. It happens to the best of us. Just when you think a moment with children is totally out of control, without fail, the universe will play the diaper explosion or emergency room card (or both). NOT awesome.


But then, when all is calm, the clouds part and the angels are singing. And you did it! You have poop on your foot...but you're ALIVE! and so are the children!!


So now is where you ask: "Why the crap would i sign up for something so insane that i'd give my right arm for one moment of reprieve?...I'll keep my awesome life I have now, thank you very much!"

But here's the kicker: Truly the things in life we work the hardest for are always what we value most...and to me, being a mom is the most tiring thing i will ever endure! Good and bad, nothing feels more divinely intended as motherhood does (even if it feels like a sick joke at times). It rocks your world, it gives life richness, it scares you, it cracks you up (sometimes cause it's funny and other times cause it's nuts), it satisfies way down to your bones, it scrambles your brain, it makes a mockery of your hygienic standards, it fills your heart like nothing else can, it is the best gift i can ever imagine.

(also by a couple months in you'll probably get used to all the poop and throw up ;)

Throughout my 8 years of motherhood I have discovered both the best and the worst facets of "myself." I, like most of us, fall somewhere in the middle of two extremes: "the mom who lives to be one" and the "ones who should be manditorally sterilized". However trite, it does go by fast...but I take comfort in the fact that somehow I feel like I've had my kids forever (like my arm or my eyeballs) They are the part of me that I will forever (no matter what) be unabashedly proud of, unconditionally invested in and totally in love with. 


Often times we hit rough patches. We all do. Sometimes those "patches" feel more like never ending roads that frigging suck, and that motherhood is to blame. Please remember: depression/anxiety does not discriminate. You just happen to be a mom. Life in general gets more complex and more difficult to manage the deeper we climb into adulthood. If you aren't digging being a mom at this hugely transitional point in your life, big deal. If i've said it once I've said it a million times: kids are turds. But they can be lovely and endearing company too (like funny/innocent adults...with way shorter arms. who don't wipe very good.)

And please for the love of emotional eaters all over the world, let's all stop comparing ourselves to this mothering standard! With our negative inner dialogue, she often rears her ugly (but really stylish and smiley) head as we scour the blog world. It is a self imposed and complete fictional character. You have strengths that will carve out your own mothering niche. First be totally honest with yourself, then cut yourself a little more slack! Motherhood has so many variables, so there really is no magic formula that will ever prepare you for it. Making goals gives you direction, but clear your mind of expectation. Just like the rest of life, it rarely goes as planned.

I have had so much fun in this Project Boo: Don't be a Drag, Just be a Queen series. It is overwhelming to think of how many of you out there that i truly admire for your positive mothering energy, and could have written something equally as inspiring as Renee, Abby, Stacie, Cara or Kelly. SO MANY! This series literally could go on forever! (but then i fear most of you would eventually want to scratch your patronized eyes out) Thanks to these awesome blog friends of mine for being my internet "trophy wives," if you will. As for the rest of you...I'll hit you up for my next "Project Boo" ;)


In conclusion: Be a mom! or don't. At least let a mother in your life know how much you appreciate their efforts. It's the small things we accept as payment. And if you're a mom now (or even if you're not) just in case no one has told you yet today....you rock ;)

team Boo ♥'s you
(and thanks Kelli for your sweet invitation to share my thoughts with your friends)

don't be a Drag, just be a Queen: Renee

Queen #6: Renee

Renee is one of those ladies that you wish you could find a hidden USB port into their brain and download as much awesome material as you can. A good way I gauge my love of someones blog, is how often I feel the need to read it out loud to Adam. Her mutant comedic superpowers and loveable dorkiness make her clever blog posts some of the most treasured golden nuggets of my weekly reading (and Adam's listening). Janeane Garafalo meets Tina Fey if you will. Despite the fact that she's certifiably blind (not crazy eyeballs blind, but rather owns-walking-stick-to-avoid-falling-down-flights-of-stairs-blind) Renee always sees the rawest forms of what makes motherhood so irreverent and yet ironically edifying. She has been here before and she will most likely be here again because she is hilarious and sweet...and she absolutely rocks. Enjoy her "drag free" take on motherhood with me:

"I just read about a study that says that adults without children are happier than adults with children. Something to do with how Americans have kids later in life than we used to, and how kids no longer plow the family fields, so instead of being commodities, they just sort of drain our resources and leave Otter Pop wrappers everywhere, and make us all Walking Sad-Faces with yogurt on our pants.   

WHAT?!??

My kids are not easy, by any means.  Harrison nearly broke his neck racing down a hill on his trike a couple of days ago, and Lennon recently told her first grade teacher that there are two kinds of periods:  One you put at the end of a sentence and the other... well, you know...  They do stuff that makes me wince, and cry, and constantly question myself (seriously, how does she know about periods??)

...But I am definitely happy.  My kids give me a reason to celebrate just about every day.  If it's not Christmas, Mardi Gras, or National Ice Cream Day, maybe it's the day they lost their first tooth, or the day they learned how to pour their own bowl of cereal.  Sure, I could celebrate these days on my own, without kids, but there's just something to be said for sharing the Magic of the simple joys with people you love. 

And then there's the Magic they bring.  My kids are kind to animals, and have incredible empathy.  My son is quiet, but he is so expressive, and I am so impressed with his humor and determination.  My daughter finds ways to show her love in even the smallest of opportunities.  She sees beauty all around her, and she tells wonderful stories.  They are gorgeous, and goofy, and their laughter is effortless and pure.    

Now, the last thing I want to be is one of those parents who thinks their kid is the Greatest Thing Ever, and feels that Parenthood Is More Important Than Anything You Ever Did. But there's another end to that extreme, and I'm just not cool with denying that it makes me happy to be a mom, even if that is the trend these days.  I don't feel like I'm inflating the experience, in order to justify the expense, as leading psychologists suggest.  I just really like my kids, and I've spent enough time with them to know they are worth it. 

I think this is why I love reading the blogs out there that do this right.  When you love your kids, we all see it.  But when you really, really enjoy their company, we all feel it too.  When I read a blog post, I'm looking for reality, but I'm also looking for the love..  So I'm challenging myself, and you too, if you're on board, to express kind words about your kids today, if you haven't done it already, or if it's been a while..   Blog posts about broken macbooks and snotty noses have their place (see, my blog in a couple of days), but today, it's about love. 

Let me know if you're in.  Let's make the Studies and Leading Psychologists look like the WalkingSadFaceYogurtPants for once." 

- Renee

team Boo ♥'s you

Don't be a drag, just be a Queen: Abby

Queen #5: Abby

I don't know how i first came across Abby's blog, but i do know that it was her calm wit and simple charm that drew me in. A "delightful" combo of a romantic heart, girl next door appeal and endearing delivery of thought. One thing that truly stands out with Abby is how approachable and humble she is. The more i read the more i love her perspective on life. It would be easy to simply admire the cover of her life's book: she's beautiful and stylish, her husband is sensitive and handsome, two cute kids and bunch of great pictures of family and island adventures to show for it. But there isn't an ounce of pretentiousness about her and that is what crowns her as my latest drag free Queen. Her story about motherhood is a perfect example of her humility:

"We spent the first half of 2010 living in the West Indies. In other words, a really really really small island in the Caribbean. Sounds like a dream right? My husband was in medical school and he generally left the house before our two kids woke up and returned long after they were asleep. The school provided transportation for students and I can still hear the HOOOOONK of the taxi bus as it roared down the tiny street to our house at 7 each morning. It meant that I was a single mother for the day. A single mother without a car and without a clue. Thinking about the honk of that bus still gives me a little stomachache.

I spent a lot of time hand washing dishes while staring out the window at cruise ships, hanging laundry on the clothesline, and sweeping great masses of ants out the door. (The ants were out to get me.) My kids watched many a classic cartoon on the only kids channel we had. I can still hear the theme jingle for that channel in my mind. It also gives me a little stomachache. A girl can only take so much Scooby Doo.

During this time my husband was incredibly stressed with school. This made me incredibly stressed. This made my 4- and 2-year-old incredibly stressed. My son started peeing his pants and the bed. He'd also raid the refrigerator every two minutes. It became this power struggle between us. I'd often sob in front of him after he'd wet his pants for the second time that day, or when he'd demand we "go back to the United States." We'd go to the grocery store in a taxi and the kids would beg for sugary cereals that cost the equivalent of $10 US, or or a jug of juice that was $7 (and, oh-by-the-way, totally expired.) They'd throw fits when they didn't get them. Oh man, it was ugly at times. I truly would have staked my life on the fact that I would never miss this time in our lives. And I really began to hate myself as a mother. Cue the stomachache.

The second half of 2010 found us back home again. My husband and I had weighed our options when the semester had ended and found through prayer and many, many tears (surely the Caribbean's salty waters rose a few inches that spring) that going home would be a good idea. It has been. There's pain and embarrassment in letting go of some dreams and admitting a sort of failure, but now I have such a different perspective on those five months. I think about the many sweltering afternoons at the breathtaking beaches, teaching Sunday School to the children at church and joining our voices with theirs in song, picking the most delicious ripe mangoes straight from the trees, proudly figuring out how to handle the many roundabouts while driving on the left. My parents came to visit and we packed that week full of every adventure we could- hiking the volcano, riding the sugar train, ferrying to a nearby island, and visiting the 400-year-old British fortress. Really wonderful times. And there's not a day goes by that I don't think of the wonderful friends we made there. Some were temporary visitors like us and some will never set foot off that little land. I cherish them all so dearly. I also surprisingly (to me) cherish the horrible days because it means I survived them and left a different person. Out of a lot a pain mixed with some joy, out of a really difficult experience, came a treasure.

My kids still throw fits at the grocery store. I still sometimes cry in front of them when I'm having a bad day. Instead of ants, I battle with the bone-chilling cold and snow of January, February, and March. (Those months are so out to get me.) In other words, life is still hard! Even on the mainland! Even when I get to see my husband for more than an hour a day! And the common thread is motherhood. Being a mother is so hard. So hard! Some days there is really no difference between "stuck on an island" and "stuck with two crying kids." It can be a remarkably similar feeling. But I know some day I'll see these young mother days as really beautiful. From "our really expensive Caribbean vacation" I learned that most life experiences require some time to mature- to soak, to steep, to marinate- before they become palatable to the soul. I'm busy enjoying everything in my life, especially young motherhood. Before long, it will taste so sweet.

-abby"

thanks abby!

team Boo ♥'s you

With all team boo silly aside, remember with me the current suffering in sweet Japan.
 go here to show some love!
(and if simply asking doesn't make you want to help...maybe this will)


We will be back next week with our final installments of our "Don't be a drag just be a Queen" motherhood series. Until then, have a great weekend smothering your loved ones :)


team Boo ♥'s you

tomato tom-A-to

a Sheamus-ism for your thursday...



team Boo ♥'s you

the sunshine stand

{via the sunshine stand}


I am a total freak when it comes to taking over what should be a kid friendly activity. Like when Sheamus was all into the movie Cars, and Adam would make fun of me and say that collecting the figurines was actually my hobby cause i got all excited about finding the "rare" ones at the store.  Or when the kids and i played this game. Or when i got busted selling my daughters girls scout cookies at our garage sale (that she was gone for) when one lady was like "um...where's the girl scout?" so i slapped her and told her to get the crap off my property.


So when i got an email from some fellow AZ mothers* who go all out with a tricked out lemonade stand to make their kids spring break memorable (before the summer heat melts our faces off) i've just got to support that jazz. I'm not kidding when i say this lemonade stand is legit (and definitely the cutest i've seen)...they sell lemonade with your choice of fruit syrup: mango, raspberry, or strawberry, assorted candy, they have a blog...and a facebook page! So....If you are in the AZ east valley go check it. So cute.


(*but don't tell my kids or else they will know how lame i am)


team Boo ♥'s you

Don't be a Drag, just be a Queen: Cara

Queen #4: Cara

Cara is many things. Hilarious, thoughtful, passionate, smart, brave, caring, stylish and creative (to name a few). The thing that always blows my mothering mind is that she does it all as a single mom (seriously, if you have kids...stop to let this sink in. Now repeat after me "we're not worthy...we're not worthy!") If you hadn't heard, single parents are superstars...and she is nailing it (even if she disagrees). She knows the value in truly looking for the positivity around her, and that is what makes her one of the raddest chicks i know, and the most NON-drag queen so far! We can all learn a lot from this girl...love her with me:

"top 10 things i wish someone would have told me upon entering single motherdom:

10. laugh often. watch whatever comedy you can and surround yourself with funny people. in the middle of your child's screaming fit, try to just laugh. this will save you. also, don't underestimate the power of taking a black sharpee to your child's face and drawing a mustache during their meltdowns. 

9. know the bus system (if you can't afford a car, or even if you can) memorize the schedules and stop ids. also, know the public transit phone numbers. and be nice to your bus drivers. they remember you and will stop for you when you're running like an idiot to catch the bus.

8. do something where you just sit still for 15 minutes. every day. pray. meditate. do the dishes. read. paint. learn to listen to your breath. if you can master this in 15 minute increments, it will be easier to muster in more chaotic times.

7. children's television programming is your friend. i swore against it early on. and now it's the only way i can get laundry done or a shower in.

6. dating sucks. plan on not doing it all that well for a long while. or at all. your baby is way better anyways.

5. organize. give everything a home. anything to make life less chaotic. 

4. plan ahead. as much as possible. and pack accordingly. plan for explosive diapers, hungry children, stranded self, the apocalypse, etc.

3. SNACKS. healthy snacks for you and for child. available all the time. no one gets crankier than a hungry me. 

2. take care of yourself. do things for you. on top of eating right, getting exercise, actually getting ready for the day. find ways to sneak in as many quick little happy treats as possible. dine out, hike, travel, LIVE YOUR LIFE.

1. check your pride. accept any kind of help. and thank the heck out of them. (lucky for me, i have a pretty amazing support system)

 My challenge to support the single mothers you know in the same ways my friends do:

 -offer rides. or your vehicle. though the bus system is awesome here, it can be stressful to take my babe on the bus, especially in the rain...during her nap time.

-babysit. even for an hour. running errands solo is. awe. some. i've had some surprises of people really invested in my child and it means the world. my ex's mother takes the cub overnight nearly every saturday night. this is probably the most amazing gift ever. i can go out or stay in by myself and definitely sleep in. so refueling.

-give her a job. any job. i promise you she needs the money, especially if she isn't getting child support. or marry her.

-gifts. hand me down clothes. money. giftcards. food. meals. a good album or book. a planned event. an adult conversation. cheap rent/a place to live. movie night. big item loans (bike, furniture, etc). hugs. encouraging words. a cup of coffee. your company. silence. an ear. understanding. these are all awesome and thankful for me, i get most of them from my housemates."

team Boo ♥'s you
(and single mothers across the land!)

Don't be a drag, just be a queen: Stacie

 Queen #3: Stacie

It's not every day you meet someone as genuinely cool as Stacie. And if that day happens to be the one where you are a total greasy slob frantically searching for circus cookies and tiny red balloons through the aisles of Target (like i did) then...that means the universe hates your guts. But, much to my delight, she still agreed to represent the "brand new" non-drag queen mommas of the blogosphere right here on team Boo. Even as a self proclaimed "anal retentive", Stacie (momma to "baby V") oozes admirable positive Lorelai and Rory Gilmore-ish mothering energy (minus the strangely fast dialogue and theatrical co-dependency :) So without further ado, here is her two cents on motherhood...

Whenever I'm asked about Motherhood, I always think about the day we brought Ivy home with us. When Ivy was born she was immediately rushed to the NICU to be monitored for the remainder of her hospital stay. There they placed an IV in her head, hooked her up to an EKG, inserted a nasal tube, etc. It was terrifying. However the real terror sunk in when it was time to bring her home. You see, thanks to NICUs protocol, I wasn't allowed to nurse her, change her, or hold her whenever I pleased during the entire hospital stay. When it was finally time to go home I was like, "I seriously have no idea what I'm doing." (direct quote).

I was totally shaking in my boots trying to get her ready to leave. You'd think I was handling a live bomb while strapping her into that car seat. Once we were in the car and driving home (20 miles under the speed limit), I had an overwhelmingly calm feeling that everything was going to be just fine. Sitting in the backseat with her I realized that I was completely smitten with this sweet baby of mine and that it really didn't matter how clueless I was, I was just excited to be her Mother and that's all that mattered.

For me, this has been a total learn-as-you-go experience. I am by no means in the position to give out words of advice, (because let's be real that's like a newlywed handing out marriage advice) but I'm going to anyway: Celebrate Motherhood! It's something to be proud of and it's definitely worthy of a daily celebration. Just to name a few, celebrate the fact that you have created something beautiful, something that you love to pieces, and something that has made you a better person! It's all so exciting and rewarding and I think recognizing it really helps you to be a better Mother... even if you still have no idea what you're doing. 

...and if you're not in the mood to celebrate...like for instance if you haven't slept in over 30 hours and you've been wearing the same Yogurtland shirt for over 3+ days (true story) then you should probably just celebrate in a hot shower and a cold diet coke. Either one.

-Stacie

team Boo ♥'s you

never nude.

I have been trying to be better about hitting up the gym. Sometimes this means I don't make it until the evening when i'd rather be at home with team Boo. But there is a consolation to this, and that is the totally different eye candy there after 5 P.M. 

If this isn't a guy after my own heart, i don't know what is...

In a perfect world, we would have locked eyes from across the gym, i would be wearing tearaway running shorts that would reveal my own cutoffs underneath, without a word being spoken we would do a high five that morphed into a foot grab. Only in a perfect world. Unfortunately, i fear it isn't quite ready for that (jelly).

Stay tuned for more drag free queens next week! 

team Boo ♥'s you

don't be a drag, just be a queen: Kelly

"Queen" #2: Kelly 

(a story of patience)

Alright this may be narcissism at its finest...me choosing a "favorite" mother of mine who happens to look like me (freckles, bangs, brunette :) As you guys all may have guessed I do enjoy myself a good laugh, and Kelly over at Whoopsy Vaisey is about as entertaining as they come. Get ready...she also births her babies at home AND makes her own baby food! Holy crap, right? But you won't catch her thinking she's a mothering profesh (although she is the queen of word shortening) for she has moments like the rest of us. But instead of begrudging her job as a mother, you'll more likely catch her making silly stories to go along with her crazy daily scenarios and being her own perfect combo of wit and wisdom..and that is why we love her so!

"I could come up with something profound and heartfelt, sincere and sentimental to say about motherhood and it would be easy to do. About how it immensely changed my life and made me want to be a better person (all those things true). But let's face it, most of my days are heavy and thick and full of bodily fluids, whinny voices, sibling WWF, a crying baby and tornado-like atmospheres. On the day to day scale of motherhood I found sometimes my only sanity is to laugh and breathe through it (and take lots of pictures!). 

Anyone who claims motherhood is a bon bon-eating errand-running breeze is drinking their bath water, but it has been and continues to be the very best ride of my life." -Kelly 

 Kelly's 8 step tutorial: What to do if your three year old comes prancing gleefully down the stairs covered head to toe in the entire contents of your makeup bag...

Step 1: Walk quickly out of the room to gather yourself and get a grip on the surge of rage charging through your being (I mean, you knew she was capable of such things, but still, somehow, some way, you find yourself surprised again and again at the catastrophes she masterminds).

Step 2: Come slowly back to the room to hear her say, "Don't I look beautiful, Mom?" At which point your red face slowly turns back to pink and you (might) chuckle at the display before your eyes. It's a sight to see after all: That rose colored bod and those mid 90s Brooke Shields brows.

wow.

(You take pictures because, as mad as you are right now, you're going to want to remember this one.)

Step 3: March her little fanny right upstairs and throw(help) her in the tub.

Fill the bath with less than comfortable waters (because THIS is not a fun bath)and commence scrubbing. At first realization that there is no way this stuff is coming off without a fight, head back downstairs for the grease fighting dish soap that is Dawn Dish Detergent and proceed to scrub. And scrub. And scrub. And scrub.

Step 4: It's out of the tub with her and into a towel, tears and all.

Once again, you pull out the camera to capture the aftermath that is the shame ridden face and the rose-tinted bath waters. You're trying to speak sternly because, this is no joking matter. (If you find yourself feeling very confused emotionally at this step, that's normal. Laughing hysterically, crying, feeling the need to stab yourself in the arm- all acceptable forms of emotion for such an occasion).

Step 5: Dress the offender.

Send her to her quarters with a light spank on the buns and a good talkin' to. (this could be replaced with other things such as: sending to the corner, a slightly harder spank to the bare buns, a toss out the window... whatever you and yours have come up with.)

Step 6: Asses the damage: It's medium to heavy.

Peering meekly into the room in which the crime took place, you behold the destruction: Tubes of oil-based cover-up and foundation coated and squeezed to the last drop, the last of the bronzing beads each broken and embedded strategically into the carpet, mascara carcass lying about with hair entangled in its semi-dried out wand, blush- obliterated (Deep breaths are helpful and may become necessary in step 6).

Step 7: You're almost finished (and so is your precious afternoon).

After closely capturing on film and surveying the damages, you make a list of the new makeup you will be in need of purchasing. Then you take the remains to the sink and commence scrubbing once again. As for the carpet where the dead makeup lay: make a mental note to buy a better stain remover (because chances are, you're going to need it in the future)

Step 8: Retrieve the perpetrator from punishment.

A kiss and a hug and an "I'm sorry" can go a long way. And if you've learned anything here today, it's patience. Patience and love for your little human that is begging (sometimes non-stop) to be disciplined and taught. Give yourself a pat on the back, because you just dealt with one (unscheduled for) doozie of an afternoon.

You survived! (Better yet, she survived and still loves you)

And best of all you learned that you ARE capable of being patient given you've had the right amount of practice. And lets face it, you've had plenty of practice.

That, and you need to find a higher, harder-to-reach spot for your new makeup.

team Boo ♥'s you
(and the Vaisey family)