don't be a Drag, just be a Queen: Renee

Queen #6: Renee

Renee is one of those ladies that you wish you could find a hidden USB port into their brain and download as much awesome material as you can. A good way I gauge my love of someones blog, is how often I feel the need to read it out loud to Adam. Her mutant comedic superpowers and loveable dorkiness make her clever blog posts some of the most treasured golden nuggets of my weekly reading (and Adam's listening). Janeane Garafalo meets Tina Fey if you will. Despite the fact that she's certifiably blind (not crazy eyeballs blind, but rather owns-walking-stick-to-avoid-falling-down-flights-of-stairs-blind) Renee always sees the rawest forms of what makes motherhood so irreverent and yet ironically edifying. She has been here before and she will most likely be here again because she is hilarious and sweet...and she absolutely rocks. Enjoy her "drag free" take on motherhood with me:

"I just read about a study that says that adults without children are happier than adults with children. Something to do with how Americans have kids later in life than we used to, and how kids no longer plow the family fields, so instead of being commodities, they just sort of drain our resources and leave Otter Pop wrappers everywhere, and make us all Walking Sad-Faces with yogurt on our pants.   

WHAT?!??

My kids are not easy, by any means.  Harrison nearly broke his neck racing down a hill on his trike a couple of days ago, and Lennon recently told her first grade teacher that there are two kinds of periods:  One you put at the end of a sentence and the other... well, you know...  They do stuff that makes me wince, and cry, and constantly question myself (seriously, how does she know about periods??)

...But I am definitely happy.  My kids give me a reason to celebrate just about every day.  If it's not Christmas, Mardi Gras, or National Ice Cream Day, maybe it's the day they lost their first tooth, or the day they learned how to pour their own bowl of cereal.  Sure, I could celebrate these days on my own, without kids, but there's just something to be said for sharing the Magic of the simple joys with people you love. 

And then there's the Magic they bring.  My kids are kind to animals, and have incredible empathy.  My son is quiet, but he is so expressive, and I am so impressed with his humor and determination.  My daughter finds ways to show her love in even the smallest of opportunities.  She sees beauty all around her, and she tells wonderful stories.  They are gorgeous, and goofy, and their laughter is effortless and pure.    

Now, the last thing I want to be is one of those parents who thinks their kid is the Greatest Thing Ever, and feels that Parenthood Is More Important Than Anything You Ever Did. But there's another end to that extreme, and I'm just not cool with denying that it makes me happy to be a mom, even if that is the trend these days.  I don't feel like I'm inflating the experience, in order to justify the expense, as leading psychologists suggest.  I just really like my kids, and I've spent enough time with them to know they are worth it. 

I think this is why I love reading the blogs out there that do this right.  When you love your kids, we all see it.  But when you really, really enjoy their company, we all feel it too.  When I read a blog post, I'm looking for reality, but I'm also looking for the love..  So I'm challenging myself, and you too, if you're on board, to express kind words about your kids today, if you haven't done it already, or if it's been a while..   Blog posts about broken macbooks and snotty noses have their place (see, my blog in a couple of days), but today, it's about love. 

Let me know if you're in.  Let's make the Studies and Leading Psychologists look like the WalkingSadFaceYogurtPants for once." 

- Renee

team Boo ♥'s you

Don't be a drag, just be a Queen: Abby

Queen #5: Abby

I don't know how i first came across Abby's blog, but i do know that it was her calm wit and simple charm that drew me in. A "delightful" combo of a romantic heart, girl next door appeal and endearing delivery of thought. One thing that truly stands out with Abby is how approachable and humble she is. The more i read the more i love her perspective on life. It would be easy to simply admire the cover of her life's book: she's beautiful and stylish, her husband is sensitive and handsome, two cute kids and bunch of great pictures of family and island adventures to show for it. But there isn't an ounce of pretentiousness about her and that is what crowns her as my latest drag free Queen. Her story about motherhood is a perfect example of her humility:

"We spent the first half of 2010 living in the West Indies. In other words, a really really really small island in the Caribbean. Sounds like a dream right? My husband was in medical school and he generally left the house before our two kids woke up and returned long after they were asleep. The school provided transportation for students and I can still hear the HOOOOONK of the taxi bus as it roared down the tiny street to our house at 7 each morning. It meant that I was a single mother for the day. A single mother without a car and without a clue. Thinking about the honk of that bus still gives me a little stomachache.

I spent a lot of time hand washing dishes while staring out the window at cruise ships, hanging laundry on the clothesline, and sweeping great masses of ants out the door. (The ants were out to get me.) My kids watched many a classic cartoon on the only kids channel we had. I can still hear the theme jingle for that channel in my mind. It also gives me a little stomachache. A girl can only take so much Scooby Doo.

During this time my husband was incredibly stressed with school. This made me incredibly stressed. This made my 4- and 2-year-old incredibly stressed. My son started peeing his pants and the bed. He'd also raid the refrigerator every two minutes. It became this power struggle between us. I'd often sob in front of him after he'd wet his pants for the second time that day, or when he'd demand we "go back to the United States." We'd go to the grocery store in a taxi and the kids would beg for sugary cereals that cost the equivalent of $10 US, or or a jug of juice that was $7 (and, oh-by-the-way, totally expired.) They'd throw fits when they didn't get them. Oh man, it was ugly at times. I truly would have staked my life on the fact that I would never miss this time in our lives. And I really began to hate myself as a mother. Cue the stomachache.

The second half of 2010 found us back home again. My husband and I had weighed our options when the semester had ended and found through prayer and many, many tears (surely the Caribbean's salty waters rose a few inches that spring) that going home would be a good idea. It has been. There's pain and embarrassment in letting go of some dreams and admitting a sort of failure, but now I have such a different perspective on those five months. I think about the many sweltering afternoons at the breathtaking beaches, teaching Sunday School to the children at church and joining our voices with theirs in song, picking the most delicious ripe mangoes straight from the trees, proudly figuring out how to handle the many roundabouts while driving on the left. My parents came to visit and we packed that week full of every adventure we could- hiking the volcano, riding the sugar train, ferrying to a nearby island, and visiting the 400-year-old British fortress. Really wonderful times. And there's not a day goes by that I don't think of the wonderful friends we made there. Some were temporary visitors like us and some will never set foot off that little land. I cherish them all so dearly. I also surprisingly (to me) cherish the horrible days because it means I survived them and left a different person. Out of a lot a pain mixed with some joy, out of a really difficult experience, came a treasure.

My kids still throw fits at the grocery store. I still sometimes cry in front of them when I'm having a bad day. Instead of ants, I battle with the bone-chilling cold and snow of January, February, and March. (Those months are so out to get me.) In other words, life is still hard! Even on the mainland! Even when I get to see my husband for more than an hour a day! And the common thread is motherhood. Being a mother is so hard. So hard! Some days there is really no difference between "stuck on an island" and "stuck with two crying kids." It can be a remarkably similar feeling. But I know some day I'll see these young mother days as really beautiful. From "our really expensive Caribbean vacation" I learned that most life experiences require some time to mature- to soak, to steep, to marinate- before they become palatable to the soul. I'm busy enjoying everything in my life, especially young motherhood. Before long, it will taste so sweet.

-abby"

thanks abby!

team Boo ♥'s you

Don't be a Drag, just be a Queen: Cara

Queen #4: Cara

Cara is many things. Hilarious, thoughtful, passionate, smart, brave, caring, stylish and creative (to name a few). The thing that always blows my mothering mind is that she does it all as a single mom (seriously, if you have kids...stop to let this sink in. Now repeat after me "we're not worthy...we're not worthy!") If you hadn't heard, single parents are superstars...and she is nailing it (even if she disagrees). She knows the value in truly looking for the positivity around her, and that is what makes her one of the raddest chicks i know, and the most NON-drag queen so far! We can all learn a lot from this girl...love her with me:

"top 10 things i wish someone would have told me upon entering single motherdom:

10. laugh often. watch whatever comedy you can and surround yourself with funny people. in the middle of your child's screaming fit, try to just laugh. this will save you. also, don't underestimate the power of taking a black sharpee to your child's face and drawing a mustache during their meltdowns. 

9. know the bus system (if you can't afford a car, or even if you can) memorize the schedules and stop ids. also, know the public transit phone numbers. and be nice to your bus drivers. they remember you and will stop for you when you're running like an idiot to catch the bus.

8. do something where you just sit still for 15 minutes. every day. pray. meditate. do the dishes. read. paint. learn to listen to your breath. if you can master this in 15 minute increments, it will be easier to muster in more chaotic times.

7. children's television programming is your friend. i swore against it early on. and now it's the only way i can get laundry done or a shower in.

6. dating sucks. plan on not doing it all that well for a long while. or at all. your baby is way better anyways.

5. organize. give everything a home. anything to make life less chaotic. 

4. plan ahead. as much as possible. and pack accordingly. plan for explosive diapers, hungry children, stranded self, the apocalypse, etc.

3. SNACKS. healthy snacks for you and for child. available all the time. no one gets crankier than a hungry me. 

2. take care of yourself. do things for you. on top of eating right, getting exercise, actually getting ready for the day. find ways to sneak in as many quick little happy treats as possible. dine out, hike, travel, LIVE YOUR LIFE.

1. check your pride. accept any kind of help. and thank the heck out of them. (lucky for me, i have a pretty amazing support system)

 My challenge to support the single mothers you know in the same ways my friends do:

 -offer rides. or your vehicle. though the bus system is awesome here, it can be stressful to take my babe on the bus, especially in the rain...during her nap time.

-babysit. even for an hour. running errands solo is. awe. some. i've had some surprises of people really invested in my child and it means the world. my ex's mother takes the cub overnight nearly every saturday night. this is probably the most amazing gift ever. i can go out or stay in by myself and definitely sleep in. so refueling.

-give her a job. any job. i promise you she needs the money, especially if she isn't getting child support. or marry her.

-gifts. hand me down clothes. money. giftcards. food. meals. a good album or book. a planned event. an adult conversation. cheap rent/a place to live. movie night. big item loans (bike, furniture, etc). hugs. encouraging words. a cup of coffee. your company. silence. an ear. understanding. these are all awesome and thankful for me, i get most of them from my housemates."

team Boo ♥'s you
(and single mothers across the land!)

Don't be a drag, just be a queen: Stacie

 Queen #3: Stacie

It's not every day you meet someone as genuinely cool as Stacie. And if that day happens to be the one where you are a total greasy slob frantically searching for circus cookies and tiny red balloons through the aisles of Target (like i did) then...that means the universe hates your guts. But, much to my delight, she still agreed to represent the "brand new" non-drag queen mommas of the blogosphere right here on team Boo. Even as a self proclaimed "anal retentive", Stacie (momma to "baby V") oozes admirable positive Lorelai and Rory Gilmore-ish mothering energy (minus the strangely fast dialogue and theatrical co-dependency :) So without further ado, here is her two cents on motherhood...

Whenever I'm asked about Motherhood, I always think about the day we brought Ivy home with us. When Ivy was born she was immediately rushed to the NICU to be monitored for the remainder of her hospital stay. There they placed an IV in her head, hooked her up to an EKG, inserted a nasal tube, etc. It was terrifying. However the real terror sunk in when it was time to bring her home. You see, thanks to NICUs protocol, I wasn't allowed to nurse her, change her, or hold her whenever I pleased during the entire hospital stay. When it was finally time to go home I was like, "I seriously have no idea what I'm doing." (direct quote).

I was totally shaking in my boots trying to get her ready to leave. You'd think I was handling a live bomb while strapping her into that car seat. Once we were in the car and driving home (20 miles under the speed limit), I had an overwhelmingly calm feeling that everything was going to be just fine. Sitting in the backseat with her I realized that I was completely smitten with this sweet baby of mine and that it really didn't matter how clueless I was, I was just excited to be her Mother and that's all that mattered.

For me, this has been a total learn-as-you-go experience. I am by no means in the position to give out words of advice, (because let's be real that's like a newlywed handing out marriage advice) but I'm going to anyway: Celebrate Motherhood! It's something to be proud of and it's definitely worthy of a daily celebration. Just to name a few, celebrate the fact that you have created something beautiful, something that you love to pieces, and something that has made you a better person! It's all so exciting and rewarding and I think recognizing it really helps you to be a better Mother... even if you still have no idea what you're doing. 

...and if you're not in the mood to celebrate...like for instance if you haven't slept in over 30 hours and you've been wearing the same Yogurtland shirt for over 3+ days (true story) then you should probably just celebrate in a hot shower and a cold diet coke. Either one.

-Stacie

team Boo ♥'s you

don't be a drag, just be a queen: Kelly

"Queen" #2: Kelly 

(a story of patience)

Alright this may be narcissism at its finest...me choosing a "favorite" mother of mine who happens to look like me (freckles, bangs, brunette :) As you guys all may have guessed I do enjoy myself a good laugh, and Kelly over at Whoopsy Vaisey is about as entertaining as they come. Get ready...she also births her babies at home AND makes her own baby food! Holy crap, right? But you won't catch her thinking she's a mothering profesh (although she is the queen of word shortening) for she has moments like the rest of us. But instead of begrudging her job as a mother, you'll more likely catch her making silly stories to go along with her crazy daily scenarios and being her own perfect combo of wit and wisdom..and that is why we love her so!

"I could come up with something profound and heartfelt, sincere and sentimental to say about motherhood and it would be easy to do. About how it immensely changed my life and made me want to be a better person (all those things true). But let's face it, most of my days are heavy and thick and full of bodily fluids, whinny voices, sibling WWF, a crying baby and tornado-like atmospheres. On the day to day scale of motherhood I found sometimes my only sanity is to laugh and breathe through it (and take lots of pictures!). 

Anyone who claims motherhood is a bon bon-eating errand-running breeze is drinking their bath water, but it has been and continues to be the very best ride of my life." -Kelly 

 Kelly's 8 step tutorial: What to do if your three year old comes prancing gleefully down the stairs covered head to toe in the entire contents of your makeup bag...

Step 1: Walk quickly out of the room to gather yourself and get a grip on the surge of rage charging through your being (I mean, you knew she was capable of such things, but still, somehow, some way, you find yourself surprised again and again at the catastrophes she masterminds).

Step 2: Come slowly back to the room to hear her say, "Don't I look beautiful, Mom?" At which point your red face slowly turns back to pink and you (might) chuckle at the display before your eyes. It's a sight to see after all: That rose colored bod and those mid 90s Brooke Shields brows.

wow.

(You take pictures because, as mad as you are right now, you're going to want to remember this one.)

Step 3: March her little fanny right upstairs and throw(help) her in the tub.

Fill the bath with less than comfortable waters (because THIS is not a fun bath)and commence scrubbing. At first realization that there is no way this stuff is coming off without a fight, head back downstairs for the grease fighting dish soap that is Dawn Dish Detergent and proceed to scrub. And scrub. And scrub. And scrub.

Step 4: It's out of the tub with her and into a towel, tears and all.

Once again, you pull out the camera to capture the aftermath that is the shame ridden face and the rose-tinted bath waters. You're trying to speak sternly because, this is no joking matter. (If you find yourself feeling very confused emotionally at this step, that's normal. Laughing hysterically, crying, feeling the need to stab yourself in the arm- all acceptable forms of emotion for such an occasion).

Step 5: Dress the offender.

Send her to her quarters with a light spank on the buns and a good talkin' to. (this could be replaced with other things such as: sending to the corner, a slightly harder spank to the bare buns, a toss out the window... whatever you and yours have come up with.)

Step 6: Asses the damage: It's medium to heavy.

Peering meekly into the room in which the crime took place, you behold the destruction: Tubes of oil-based cover-up and foundation coated and squeezed to the last drop, the last of the bronzing beads each broken and embedded strategically into the carpet, mascara carcass lying about with hair entangled in its semi-dried out wand, blush- obliterated (Deep breaths are helpful and may become necessary in step 6).

Step 7: You're almost finished (and so is your precious afternoon).

After closely capturing on film and surveying the damages, you make a list of the new makeup you will be in need of purchasing. Then you take the remains to the sink and commence scrubbing once again. As for the carpet where the dead makeup lay: make a mental note to buy a better stain remover (because chances are, you're going to need it in the future)

Step 8: Retrieve the perpetrator from punishment.

A kiss and a hug and an "I'm sorry" can go a long way. And if you've learned anything here today, it's patience. Patience and love for your little human that is begging (sometimes non-stop) to be disciplined and taught. Give yourself a pat on the back, because you just dealt with one (unscheduled for) doozie of an afternoon.

You survived! (Better yet, she survived and still loves you)

And best of all you learned that you ARE capable of being patient given you've had the right amount of practice. And lets face it, you've had plenty of practice.

That, and you need to find a higher, harder-to-reach spot for your new makeup.

team Boo ♥'s you
(and the Vaisey family)

Love, Paper Style...

Behold...my very first guest Blogger!

Meet Renee from Mommy BlogYay 

Here are some reasons why I am honored to post her words here...

-she is hilare.

-her daughter is named Lennon (after a Beatle)

-is known to express herself via barbie dolls and stick people (don't be scared...or do)

-she makes the title "mommy blogger" way more awesome.

-How totally sick are we all of seeing my nerdy glamour shot when my page loads??

...before all this text scares you off, stop acting like you have better things to do

(as my 3 year old would tell me..."FOCUS")

and meet the awesome Renee....

I'm standing in for Team Boo today while our favorite blogger (I'm talking about Carolyn.  Keep up, people) takes a blogging vacation.  It's possible she thought that there only so many ways to keep readers interested in, "I'm stuck in bed, building a baby."  So, let's all laugh at her, because c'mon now.  There are at least seventeen more ways to say that before you have to resort to asking Renee from MommyBlogYay to creep out from the dark, lonely shadows of the far corners of the internet, and come over and muck up your beautiful blog.  Oh also, Hi, I'm Renee, and I have a blog that I muck up pretty regularly at MommyBlogYay, and you should go there (Shamelessness, ACTIVATE!) because... it's a blog? And you're maybe stuck in bed, building a baby?  I really can't think of any other reason.

Have you guys seen Paper Heart yet?  I should disclose that Team Boo does not necessarily endorse my endorsement, but she might.  And if she doesn't, that makes her really dumb.  (I can say that, because she's not here, right?)  If you've seen it, you know that Charlene Yi does a few "home movies" that tell the stories of how some couples knew they were in love, and I was inspired to make one of my own.  Enjoy:

 Love, Bob Dylan Style from MommyBlogYay on Vimeo.

Yes, that was the best I could do, despite a minor in Media Arts, and yes that story is 100% true and 100% as nerdy and awkward as it sounds.  All That You Thought You Knew about me (which probably wasn't much, was it?) has been shattered, hasn't it? Broken into a million pieces and then trampled by a giant buffalo (whose presence, I have to say, HAUNTS me... what does that even MEAN, Carolyn?)

 

It's videos like this that explain why Carolyn gets nominated for blogging awards, and why I am going to slink back to MommyBlogYay and subject my readers to the outtakes.  Amor Fatis, said Nietzche.  

(Also, if you have not yet made paper dolls of you and your significant other, I suggest you get right on that.  Like yesterday.)

Thanks Renee!

{FYI: you killed that Charlene Yi impression}